Faith to Run Again

My hands are stained by this cursed soil 
Shadows shade my eyes - I need a miracle 
To find some pleasure in the toil 
Empty the tank, find a heart alive and full 

I'm tired of falling down 
From chasing my own crown 
I can't outpace the fear that waits within 
I'm struggling in vain 
For a prize I can't attain 
I need a race to win and faith to run again 

The mirror says we're past our prime 
Aspirations fade if we won't fan this fire 
Baby we ain't got much time 
Gonna grit my teeth, take hold of this live wire 

Time to loosen up my grip 
On empty dreams I longed for 
The grave steals what change won't strip away 
When this story's all wrapped up 
Who's left to mold a meaning 
From sentences left scrawled upon the page?

This song was the scariest for me to let anyone hear or put on the EP. It felt more vulnerable than anything I've ever done. I wrote it after a very hard day at work. I felt trapped and scared. Then angry. How had I ended up here? Eventually I asked myself a better question:  how was the way I was thinking about my life causing even more frustration and pain?

It's very easy for me to fall into the comparison game and find myself unhappy even when I'm in a position many people would appreciate. I don't think this stops when I accumulate more and more possessions and accomplishments. It's a race I can't win.

When I pause to appreciate the present moment, I begin to see things clearly. 

Life is screaming by at a pace I can hardly believe. It seems like a few months ago when I got married and when my kids were born. I consider myself young, but the truth is that I'm not as young as I like to think. The responsibilities I've racked up and the reminders my body gives me when I forget that I can't do everything I used to have highlighted this.

Still there are desires, some that must be let go and some that should be pursued. I'm learning to reject fear that tells me not try--that it's easier not to care. At the same time I'm learning to appreciate that not everything will turn out the way I want. I can work hard and be content with giving my all, towards a goal or to the people around me. I don't have to punish myself by constantly comparing my situation with others or with the ideal picture in my head.

Easier said than done. Luckily, there's a benefit to this getting older thing. I'm getting better at it.

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